Am I Healed?
On my return from Central America many asked if I am now healed from my head injury. As my dad said to me, "The doctors said if you weren't fully healed by 18 months you'd never fully heal". The psychometric tests considered me ‘healed’ by 2 years yet the illusion of my injury has been that I can 'perform on demand' as I once did as a lawyer, but it takes its toll on my health. To sustain this high level of performance I suffer more migraines, nauseas, dizziness, insomnia, anxiety and moodiness. The fatigue and overeating kicks in to feed my greedy brain.
What am I healing from?
I believe that there is always a residue of any major trauma or illness to the body, to remind you not to go back to the old habits. You are served your lesson to grow out from rather than endure Ground Hog day for your life. This perspective brought me to the realisation that after three and a half year’s post injury I would never heal if I didn't truly learn the lessons of the injury. I’m driven. Efficient and organised which makes me reliable to get things done. A creative problem solver. Quick thinking and nicknamed ‘Speedy Spjut’ during my Masters. A workaholic. What was this in aid of? Where have I been going with this drive since a child? A head injury or concussion is metaphysically a lack of connection to your spiritual self. From 7 year’s old I suffered depression, at 10 I had meningitis, in my 20s I began to suffer from anxiety and then at 24 I had my first head injury and 31 my largest head injury. These are all 'head' or 'mental health' illnesses. The head is our connection to our deeper self, our inner wisdom, true voice and spiritual connection with the universe. It seems that throughout my life my body has been calling me to see how disconnected I have been from my true Self.
What healing was needed?
Although not raised religious, I was always taught Christian values through my education and English. Subconsciously a key lesson was that you only get to heaven if you prove in your current life to be a good person. I had learnt this as people pleasing – I did not deserve my life unless I justified it with a greater life purpose demonstrated through self-sacrifice. I understood that religion (aka spirituality) was brain washing and lacked evidential basis, only reality on this earth as witnessed by the five senses was true. This had left me living my life with a belief that I did not deserve to exist and had to prove my worth by sacrificing myself to benefit others. Much people pleasing means a great deal of not speaking your voice. People pleasing allows others to invade your personal wellbeing. People pleasing disconnects your true Self from this one living day to day. You make choices that deliver effort, hard work, conflict, struggle to your life. Without that greater connection to yourself there is only you, little you, your ego, that drives you forward. Your ego that tells you that life is a struggle, and poor you; a cycle of perpetual suffering. This makes drama so that you have an interesting story to share. What did I do to heal? I was bored of my life drama(s). I never sought drama, but my drive, lack of self-worth and perpetual egoic fight, perpetuated the dramas I experienced. I did not see or understand this – I knew that I asked a great deal from my life and saw this as the price that I paid. There is no good without bad: there is always a cost. The choice to move away from my old life shifted my perspective of myself and how I choose to live my life. As I experienced my old life in London I began to see how I had got lost and why I struggled to learn these lessons earlier in England. The pace, the lack of space, the volume of choice, the abundance of treats on offer – it is a city of overwhelm. In Costa Rica, I found peace. In Nicaragua, I met space for Grace and on my return to Costa Rica I met my Self-worth. All of these, gave me my voice and Self.
Am I healed?
I will never be the person I was before my head injury. My stamina will not allow that to persist. The residue of my injury (migraines and insomnia) are my signs that I am drifting away from my true Self. That I am falling back to the Nid I was before my injury. My choice is to accept that these are signs of a disconnected Nid. My accident was a gift to me. A gift of grace to find my spiritual self. To connect and express my inner true voice. To put me on the path of my life that I became lost from at the age of 7 years old. Those previous health lessons did not get me back on track, but now I have begun skipping down my yellow brick road. The Land of Oz is my spiritual journey home, the journey for my life to enjoy and explore as my experience. I am healed far beyond the reaches of my head injury. My soul has been healed from 28 years of being lost. Those concussion signs are my flags of coming off the yellow brick road. Pain and suffering connects me with my true self. I thank them when they show up, my gift from myself to stay aligned and healed.
Many of us focus on the physical or mental suffering when injured or sick. We action our healing with treatment(s) and steps. My lesson was not to ‘act-on’ my healing but to release, go inside deep through layers of myself – my body, my mind, my relationships, my connections with others, the world and to my Self. I peeled open my core, met my fears and with them my joy.
Through my healing journey and with my partner, Molly, we developed the Omega Movement 7 stages of wellbeing. I’m so excited to be sharing this at our retreat in Sicily in June 2017! There are a couple of beds in the shared room left if you want to dig deeper and discover a new way to heal, and enjoy your well-being.