Welcoming Life

The Hole

The metaphysical meaning of a concussion injury is the lack of living a life aligned with your true inner self, that you are not following your intuition or a need to awaken your spiritual self.

I began experiencing depression when I was 7-8 years old. I always wanted to leave my life and developed a strong painkiller relationship. At 15 my last overdose attempt was when my family finally became aware of my hidden issue: I stopped.  To replace the hole, I felt I discovered that I could work 16-20 hour days and hardly ever sleep. From then on I redirected my depression into an addiction: workaholism. I often joked that I had lost my soul as a lawyer, but it was truly long before I was ever a lawyer that I had lost my spiritual connection.

My reaction to my injury was to continue to push for work. I was worried I would become depressed again so I kept working too much during my recovery as my only known means of preventing depression – even my recovery was my ‘work’.  There were moments of ‘wishing I wouldn’t wake up’, but it wasn’t until three and a half year’s post-injury and my set-back that I realised I needed a deeper healing. I had resisted spiritual healing in the first 2 year’s post-injury as beyond my need.  But I knew that to fully heal I needed to change my patterns of how I approached my life.

Jungle Night

In my last week in Central America I took an overnight trip to the jungle with a girlfriend.  After a long drive, swim in the mountain river and an evening ceremony to celebrate nature and all she brings I chose to sleep under the stars surrounded by trees, plants, candles and the earth.

An unsettled sleep I felt my connection to the universe and all living things so pure – a form of atoms and interconnected consciousness that choose an experience in physical form.  All my lessons from my injury and travels came together.

I realised that I have always suffered – to feel pain and make choices of further suffering that complicate and go against my inner Nid. I still dreamt of dying and leaving my body for a better place – what peace those dreams would bring. I had never left my life long depression but covered it up with work that produced anxiety issues. Depression leaves you with no fear of facing your darker demons, but they become your allies. You fear joy. Healers told tell me that I was not ready to feel pure unconditional love, but I could not understand why. My demons still owned me. I was afraid of my own power to create my life. I knew I wanted to embrace these things and with the lessons I have learned I could reincarnate Nid, but into what form?

My experiences on this trip came together: the Sea of Stars, moon Goddess, and finding Space for Grace had led me to feel my interconnected self to all the universe. Teaching in healing environments reminded me of how I have always loved the physical body and the way it reveals our inner psyche, and that I enjoy working with this to help others see themselves.  The Monkey Magic and Naughty Nid reminded me that life is about play and an adventurous spirit of fun.

For me, the living experience is just to feel physical form and play with it – explore how it can shape shift and sense itself, or other shapes around it. To feel textures and explore how they make me feel or interact with others. Physical form itself is so silly and strange, yet beautiful and inspiring.

I released my underlying lack of lustre for life. I had discovered that innocence of a child like wonder to play and enjoy every moment of life as a new experience. Refreshed and anew I understood how it all came together for me to go forward. How I had fully healed and could embrace my life.

This final trip and week in Central America I could conclude all my lessons throughout my trip. The childlike wonder of grace, the space to see all around is a playground, that I had filled my misery with work as I lacked spiritual alignment, that Naughty Nid was just interested in physical and real experience. The pieces of the puzzle made a beautiful joyous picture.

‘Purpose’

I always felt the need to have a purpose to my life. To contribute something to humanity and the world for being given this life and opportunity: to make it count. To validate my existence so that it was not meaningless or just use of my energy in this period of time. This was just my little Nid, my ego, filling the hole of depression that I was never ‘enough’ and somehow needed to justify my existence.

As I felt the pure fun and joy of just witnessing the inter-connectedness of all I had learnt on this trip, I realised that my life purpose is to enjoy the physical experience.  Sensations of form, textures and shapes that shift and morph into other things.  To feel energy move through physical manifestations with innocence and pure joy – this was my life purpose.

How to welcome your life

We do not all choose our physical life experience to be the same. Our life purpose is not a goal; it is not about your vision of your body in this lifetime. It is a larger experience throughout your life journey.  Some of us have lessons we wish to learn while in our bodies, emotional stories to suffer as a part of our manifestation. But there is a larger experience your soul seeks while in this lifetime. What is yours? How can you discover your life purpose?

  • What do you learn from each experience? Is there a repeated lesson?
  • What injuries or ailments arise for you? What do you learn from them?
  • Do others often make the same comment to you about what is holding you back?
  • What themes recur in your life?
  • Are there common threads?
  • Can you shift and truly empty all you are holding on to?

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